Love

Love is a topic that everyone here seems to want to discuss. We’ve had lunch with different neighbors on several occasions, and each time love, marriage, or dating comes up in the conversation.

We have learned that here it is unacceptable to marry for love. Love is something that exists between only a very few lucky people, and even then it is hidden. I asked my Kuwait friend if she would marry for love, and she said yes, but it would be complicated. She and her mother explained that if she was in love they would have to ensure he was a suitable match, and then conceal the fact that they were in love from everyone, even the fathers! They would have to pretend to have met in college or something and that the match was arranged by the fathers. The culture here follows tradition so strongly that few rarely go against it because they are so concerned about their image.

Another one of my friends is 24. She complains that her circle is too small to meet Mr Right. She has been looking for him, but it is difficult to pursue a man when she is limited to meeting men in her work or college. Her mother believes that Lulu will soon be too old for a man to want to marry her! They said Kuwait men want young women, around 21, to marry because they are more beautiful, and will give them healthier children. If Lulu waits much longer the men will think something is wrong with her since she has not found a match yet. Few believe in waiting until the right man comes around. Miriam explained that the reason so many women marry young here is because if there is a suitable match, and the man is wealthy, educated, and pleasing to her father, they will make the daughter marry so that he won’t slip away, because he won’t wait for the right timing.

Mom jokingly said that perhaps Miriam, Lulu’s 19 year old sister might marry before her. They explained that rarely would a younger sister marry before the eldest. The younger may marry first only if she has permission from her older sister. If the youngest marries first then the eldest will be shamed and men will question what could be wrong with her. All of this just sounds so insane to me! Mom and I told them to ignore tradition, and society, and what other people think and just wait for God’s timing. Apparently they wish they could, but their image is so important here that they must respect tradition.

I asked Miriam how her mother and father met and if they were in love. She replied that no, they weren’t in love, but they knew each other because he was her mother’s girlfriends brother. They hadn’t talked much, but had made eye contact and he was pleased by her beauty.
Here it is also the norm to marry cousins. I thought okay sure, maybe 3rd cousins or something. But no! It is not unusual for first cousins to be married! Someone asked me if I would marry my first cousin. I sat there and tried hard not to laugh out loud. I love my cousins. But they are my cousins! I could never see myself married to one of them.

Once on the topic of marriage and love it was hard to deter, but all of us found it so interesting to hear about the other’s perspectives and traditions. They talked about the marriage contract that is written and signed before the wedding. The groom gives the bride a dowry, but she can refuse to sign it until she is pleased with the amounts. Besides the dowry, in the contract there is also a sum that the groom pledges to give his wife if they ever divorce. Once this contract is signed, they are as good as married though the wedding may be weeks off. After this they are allowed to go on dates alone together because they are officially married. If after several dinners and getting to know each other they realize this is not the person they want to spend the rest of their life with they can get a divorce. I was shocked by this. It’s not socially acceptable for men and women to go on dates prior to being married, but if they have merely signed a contract and then gotten to know each other before the wedding they have to get a divorce if it’s not right. I am so happy I am only a visitor in this country!

We are not the only ones asking questions in these discussions, they love hearing how it’s done in our cultures. The girls love asking me questions about marriage, love, dating… Today Lulu said “I hope this is not too personal, but when will you get married?” Mom and I explained that rather than specific ages or milestones when I could date or get married we had values. I told them mom was 30 when she was married, and if I married at 30 then no one in my culture would think anything of it. The girls were shocked by this, because is someone waited till 30 here then they would never, ever find a match. In response to the question on when I would marry I said that I would probably finish college first because I value education and my husband will have the same values and if he loves me he will wait for me. Miriam said I would be very lucky to find someone who loves me enough to wait for me because Kuwaiti men are too impatient.

Last week when our other neighbors were here they complained about the Kuwait men and how no one in this generation had good values. They said they only cared about themselves and their personal pleasure. Mom replied that then maybe they needed to look elsewhere for a husband because good men do exist. I think that many women here would love to live the Western way and date, fall in love, and marry whenever they want without pressure. But tradition and cultural values are so important here that though I’ve spoken with women who would long to break from it, they refuse to go against the values of society.

I’ve really enjoyed having lunches with our neighbors because they don’t seem to mind asking or being asked personal questions. We each give the other the inside scoop to our culture and just love learning about the other. Today I was asked questions about Halloween, and we asked about what would happen in the upcoming Eid. We were told to be ready, because just like we bring cookies to neighbors, people would be bringing us fresh hunks of slaughtered lamb. Mom and I looked at each other like “what?” Miriam explained the significance behind it dating back to Abraham and Issac and the sacrificial lamb. So I guess we should be prepared to not only see people slaughtering lambs soon, but giving us the raw meat. No way will I be cooking that stuff! Dad likes lamb, he can cook it! Since we’re girls and must talk about clothes and shopping we talked about the malls here. They think the prices are amazing, but I think they’re horrific! They asked what I did in malls then if not shop, so I told them about window shopping, and doing crazy scavenger hunts with friends. They had never seen anyone do a scavenger hunt in a mall except on TV. So I told them about doing it with my youth group and the fun that we had. Lulu said that people here are shy and wouldn’t do that because people would think them crazy and they might have a bad image. I laughed and explained people did laugh at us in the store, they certainly thought we were crazy, but we just smiled and had fun!

I am learning so much here and loving every bit of it. Not only are my eyes being opened to other cultures, but I am beginning to appreciate mine more.